As Elisabeth, my wonderful wife, and I just celebrated 13 remarkable years of marriage, we reflected upon the profound journey we have traveled together—a path full of love, joy, laughter, obstacles, hardships and many more life experiences. From our experiences, I wanted to share 13 invaluable observations and lessons we’ve made along the way. Although I do not claim expertise as a relationship expert, psychologist or love guru, these insights have undeniably shaped our marriage, fortifying our connection and imparting wisdom about life itself. My hope is that these powerful lessons resonate with your own journey, offering solace, inspiration, and guidance to couples and individuals embarking on the quest for a lasting and gratifying relationship/ marriage/ union.
1. “BRUTAL HONESTY” - Communication is key.
When we first started dating we sat down to talk about what we wanted in a relationship, and the first thing we both agreed on was “brutal honesty”. We both experienced hardships in prior relationships, even at young ages, that mostly revolved around one person or the other being dishonest. We agreed that no matter how painful it would be to be honest, that we would be honest with each other 100% of the time.
That was the foundation from which we built our relationship and then marriage on. By being brutally honest with each other we have been able to address problems more quickly, feel heard by each other and have a better understanding of each other's personalities. In short, by being open and transparent with each other we have been able to work together to keep our relationship growing and moving forward, and we’ve been able to avoid any black swan events created by one partner or the other being dishonest.
Lesson: Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of a thriving relationship. It fosters understanding, trust, and emotional intimacy. Express your thoughts, fears, and desires openly, and be receptive to your partner's needs.
2. Patience is a virtue.
Patience wears thin quickly when you aren’t committed to the long-term. When your relationship is new you will most likely have more patience during the “honeymoon” phase, but as time goes on your patience has a tendency to grow shorter in a relationship. Just think about the times you had roommates or siblings that lived with you and shared your room. Most of the time you don’t have a ton of patience for their quirks, and you develop a short fuse or resentment to the way they chew, snore, laugh and so on.
The same thing happens in marriage. What was cute, or a non issue, early in a relationship can become nails on a chalkboard later on. With a long-term view in a committed relationship you have to learn patience. Changing behavior takes time and a desire to do so. If you want your spouse to change behavior, you have to be brutally honest (see #1) and make them aware of the behavior that is causing friction, and then you have to have patience.
In addition, when one partner or the other is experiencing high levels of stress and pressure from the outside World (death of someone close, loss of job, studying for finals…etc) it is mission critical to have an abundance of patience during these challenging times. While it might be difficult to have as much patience as is needed, more times than not your relationship will strengthen the most during these times if you remain supportive of each other.
Lesson: In the whirlwind of life, patience becomes the bridge that connects hearts during challenging times. Cultivate patience, understanding that life is a journey, and love requires unwavering support assuming you both have the same long-term commitments to each other.
3. Embrace individual growth.
I believe this is one of the most overlooked components of a successful marriage. Many people will tell you marriage is about sacrifices and giving up something of yourself for the betterment of the relationship, and while in some cases that may be true, it certainly isn’t true when pursuing the best version of yourself and what makes you happy. In our marriage, we believe that pursuing the best versions of ourselves and our individual interests ultimately provides more value to the relationship and removes any potential resentment towards one another for not being able to pursue what we individually want for our lives.
With that being said, we both “WANT” our marriage and relationship to be as fulfilling as possible so we consider the impact that each individual pursuit and decision will have on our relationship. We don’t view not doing something for ourselves that has less value than the pain it will cause our relationship as a “sacrifice” since not doing that thing is actually going to enhance our relationship.
Lesson: Marriage does not demand sacrificing individual growth but rather encourages it. Celebrate each other's personal aspirations and support one another's dreams. You should always be your partner’s biggest cheerleader!
4. Respect and kindness go a long way.
I started off this post with the first lesson being “Brutal Honesty”. The most challenging part of being brutally honest is how you actually deliver your thoughts, concerns, valid arguments, constructive feedback and your opinions. The delivery will make or break how the message is received.
Delivering a message and communicating with respect and kindness is especially hard when you are upset, scared or frustrated with a situation, but by being respectful and kind to your partner you increase the odds of a productive conversation and a healthy outcome by 10x.
Lesson: Treat your partner with utmost respect and kindness. Small acts of love and appreciation build a foundation of trust and create an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance.
5. Learn to forgive.
By having brutal honesty, empathy and a true life long commitment to see this relationship through, Elisabeth and I have built a foundation that allows us to forgive each other for our mistakes more easily and in a shorter period of time.
We have all had a relationship in our life where one person or the other will hang onto something the other did and never really forgive them. It sours our relationship by creating resentment, and it is also sometimes used as a weapon of leverage in future discussions and disagreements. This act of not forgiving and hanging onto things can be a death sentence for a relationship.
We have learned to have open conversations about things and once we address the issue we agree to moving forward and not look back on it. That’s not to say there isn’t a moment of healing and residual emotions, it just means that we have agreed on what the issue was and that we have addressed it and are wanting to move forward with our relationship and our lives. We’ve also found that in forgiveness our relationship has strengthened.
Lesson: Forgiveness liberates the heart from resentment and allows healing to take place. Embrace forgiveness, as it allows your relationship to move forward and create space for growth.
6. Embrace change together.
Adapt and overcome. We have said it out loud often in the last 13 years. Things change, and contrary to what people will tell you… people change. Your ability to adapt and embrace all of the changes that you will experience together will be one of the most critical elements to the success of your relationship and both your happiness.
I personally subscribe to the Stoic mindset of Amor Fati. It roughly translates to: A love of one’s fate. Emperor Marcus Aurelius said, “A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it.”
Elisabeth and I have not been immune to unstoppable change and our own fate in the Universe. We have both experienced many changes, speed bumps, accelerators and so on since we were married 13 years ago. The one thing that has gotten us through them all is our love and trust in each other. The idea that regardless of what changes happen, or hand fate deals us, having a partner that you love and trust to experience it all with is worth the effort it takes to have a healthy and productive relationship.
Lesson: Change is inevitable in life, and as a couple, learning to embrace it together strengthens your bond. Adaptability and flexibility are vital in navigating the ups and downs of life.
7. Keeping the flame alive.
For most of us life gets busy and more complicated as we get through our 20s and 30s. I know this has been the case for Elisabeth and I. Both career and educationally driven, we have both spent significant portions of our lives pursuing higher levels of education (Elisabeth is a PharmD & I have a MBA) and developing careers as a Pharmacist/ Health Coach and a Business Professional/ Real Estate Investor respectively. In addition, we have welcomed 2 beautiful little girls into this World and have a little boy on the way.
To say that it has become more and more challenging to “find the time” to keep the flame alive is an understatement. However, we both know that it is important, and that when our relationship is firing on all cylinders we are happier, better partners, better parents and contribute more value to the World.
Physical and emotional intimacy are hard requirements for a truly healthy relationship for 95% of couples in my opinion. Physical intimacy (sex) has tremendous benefits in a monogamous relationship including; improving your self-image, stress relief and bonding through the release of dopamine and oxytocin and deepens your trust in one another. Emotional intimacy is also critical because it helps you feel close to each other and emotionally connected and supported. As humans we all want to feel connected and supported. The special connection we have with our partner provides the best opportunity for this emotional intimacy.
Lesson: Intimacy and passion require effort and dedication. Continuously nurture the spark in your relationship through affection, truthfulness, surprises, and quality time together.
8. Empathy.
I want to define empathy first since many of us don’t fully understand the meaning. Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another within their frame of reference. This doesn’t mean feeling sorry for or agreeing with their emotions or decisions. It simply means we can understand how they made a certain decision or how they are feeling.
Having empathy for one another has been a key to our marriage success. Our ability to have empathy for one another has created an environment for us to be able to have conversations without judgment, a better understanding of each other’s mindset/ intentions and an easier time of forgiving one another for our mistakes. Having empathy for each other has allowed us to not take things personal in the relationship, and to really understand how the other person is feeling. That in turn has led to being able to respond and help each other appropriately depending on what the situation has called for.
Lesson: Life presents challenges, and your partner may face tough moments. Offer empathy, compassion, and unwavering support during these times, reminding them they are not alone.
9. Priority adjustment and not a sacrifice.
Earlier I explained why I’m not a fan of the idea that marriage is a sacrifice, but there are times when it may feel like that temporarily. As time goes by you will find that most of the things you felt you were “sacrificing” for your relationship were not at all sacrifices and just an adjustment in your priorities.
A sacrifice is defined by suffering a loss of something. Instead, I like to look at it as a net outcome equation. For instance, if I don't do something I individually want to do (typically what is meant by sacrifice) so in turn my wife can do something that brings her more value than what I was going to get from what I wanted to do or we do something together that enhances our relationship more, is that really a sacrifice? I would argue that the net outcome is positive and therefore there was no sacrifice and just a shift in priority.
The Peter Pans out there that never grow up and never adjust their priorities in life are some of the most miserable people I have ever met. If done correctly, a healthy marriage and family can be by far the most rewarding life experience there is. Certainly not a sacrifice.
Any successful relationship, and especially a long-term committed one like marriage, requires effort, finesse and compromise. The key to the compromise part of a healthy relationship is to be very clear on what is important to you and your partner and what is just a “nice to have/ do.”
By being open and honest about the level of importance certain things represent in our lives, Elisabeth and I have been able to adjust our individual and relationship priorities accordingly to continue building a healthy long-term marriage.
Lesson: A successful marriage requires priority adjustments from both parties. Be willing to respect each other's opinions, have empathy when making decisions, make honest priority assessments and work together to find solutions. You’re a team with the same desirable outcome (life-long partnership), stop looking at it as a sacrifice and start viewing it as a blessing.
10. Cherish the little things.
Once your relationship is well seasoned and life gets even busier for you both, you’ll realize that the smallest of things can be what makes your day and brings you all the joy in your relationship. We all take for granted all the little things on a daily basis as we focus on big ticket items like our careers and so on.
When I’ve sat back and really analyzed the times that we have been the happiest and have enjoyed ourselves the most, it has usually almost always been when we were slowing down for just a moment to cherish the little things. Whether that be a lazy morning in bed laying with each other retelling stories and laughing, or whether it’s enjoying a coffee together we made in a percolator while tent camping in the Blue Ridge Mountains, the point is that it wasn’t buying a new car or even getting a promotion that really gave us the most joy…it was the little things.
Now that we have children (I’ll talk about them in #11), the little things stack up daily, and if you don’t enjoy them in the moment you miss out on the best parts of life.
Lesson: Love is found in the small, everyday moments. Appreciate the gestures, shared laughter, and even the mundane aspects of life together.
11. Kids are the most impactful changes.
Elisabeth and I were married for 7 years prior to having our first child. In those 7 years we went through many changes in life, learned a ton, lived a lot, got some things right and made a ton of mistakes. Even though we lived what seemed like a lifetime together before we had children, no other changes or events in our lives were as impactful as when we had our first child.
Kids inherently put the most strain on your relationship and provide the most opportunity to strengthen your relationship all at the same time. The bond that you make with your partner when you see your child, that you created together, come into this World is completely different than when you got married. Your life changes in that moment, and in the years to follow, in ways you cannot even imagine and in ways no one can articulate to you clearly.
Priorities shift again, your brutal honesty strategy is tested in ways you can’t imagine, empathy takes on a whole new meaning, your life outside your core family/ friends now changes dramatically, you really start questioning your worldview and many more changes start to come at you through rapid fire. These moments in time are some of the most intense, yet most rewarding, times of your relationship if managed correctly.
With all of that being said, Elisabeth and I had time to get on the same page about children and how to set ourselves up for success as parents and as a couple. Our strategy, although maybe controversial, is that our relationship with one another has got to be great for us to be the best parents we can be. That means that we have committed to being a united front when parenting our children, and we have committed to putting our marriage first in our household. That doesn’t mean that our kids suffer because of it. In fact, it means the exact opposite. You see, when our marriage is the priority we are at our best, and when we are at our best our kids benefit. They have consistency, safety, honesty, joy and emotional support from both of us. When your marriage is healthy you have more of yourselves to give, and your kids benefit greatly from this since they will get the most of you.
Lesson: Kids add a complexity to your marriage that no one can accurately describe or prepare you for. Kids intensify your relationship with your partner and put all of your thoughts, feelings and strategies to the test. By putting our marriage first and having a united front, we have been able to face and overcome the challenges of parenting together and we believe our marriage and our kids have benefited greatly from this strategy.
12. You have your family, and then you have your extended family.
While it may be controversial to some, I believe that when you get married you are starting a brand new family, and that family has got to be your immediate family. That means that yours and your spouse’s parents, siblings and grandparents are all now what I would call extended family. Maybe not in the way that you would view a 3rd cousin you’ve seen twice in your life, but as an important advisory and support group for you both.
Ultimately, you and your partner need to make decisions that are best for your family. Sometimes that aligns with what the rest of your family would like to see for you, but sometimes that doesn’t and you need to know that is OK. Some parents and close family members are phenomenal resources of support and guidance, but some are the most powerful negative influences in our lives. Your family must come first.
In either case, Elisabeth and I have always maintained that our marriage means our family. Even before we had kids we took the mindset of this is our family of two, and we made life decisions on what was best for our family of two long-term. Oftentimes, maintaining proximity and committed relationships with extended family is what is best for your marriage and family, but it is important to know that when that is not the case you have no obligation to live the life that someone else wants you to…even if that is a close family member like a parent.
Lesson: When you get married you are starting your own family. Everyone will have their opinion of how you should live your life and what kind of things you should do, including your now “extended family” of parents, grandparents and siblings. If you have great relationships with your extended family then they can be tremendous resources of support and consultation, but ultimately you have to make the best decisions for your immediate family even if they do not align with the advice from your extended family. This can be a huge point of friction in a marriage, but if managed correctly can also be a strengthening attribute of a successful marriage.
13. Never stop learning and growing.
Since change is guaranteed in life, the only option you have in a marriage is to never stop learning and growing together if you want your marriage and commitment to last a lifetime. Curiosity should be a normal part of life, and learning with someone else is much more enjoyable and impactful.
Shared learning experiences have been a huge part of our marriage, and since we got married young we have been able to experience and learn together throughout our young adulthood. If you are getting married at a more seasoned age then share your previous experiences with each other, but make sure that you experience new things together to grow and learn together.
Lesson: Marriage is a continuous journey of growth. Stay open to learning, exploring new experiences together, and nurturing your relationship with love and curiosity.
The human experience is unique, full of unknowns, painful, interesting, relatively short and full of amazingly beautiful experiences. Marriage is one of those amazingly beautiful experiences when done correctly. A good marriage can bring out the absolute best in both partners, and along with kids, can enhance your life more than anything else over the course of a lifetime.
So cheers to my wife, Elisabeth Wygant, who I have had the pleasure of being married to for 13 years now, and who is my lifelong partner in this thing we call the Human Experience. Here’s to 70 more!!!
Beautifully written Mark! cheers to you and Elisabeth on 13 yrs of marriage and many many more to come! ~Marissa Whitford~